Here I am at Dunn Bros (favorite coffee shop) in the snowy, suburban town of Woodbury, Minnesota…
It has been a year and a day since I last posted. It’s crazy how, if you allow it, your life can go undocumented. This may be a healthy thing, as people can become obsessed with the overdocumentation of their own lives (as evidenced by our facebook-, blog-, and photo-happy culture!). But I’m sure, in the long run, a little record here and there doesn’t hurt. So here is a brief “record” or, reflection, of my life in the last year.
Teaching. I’ve been teaching now for a year and a half, and I’m coming up on my last semester committed to Teach for America, to Edcouch-Elsa School District, and to the Valley of Texas. The last year or so has been an amazing introduction to the real world. What I mean: it’s been a great way for God to begin fashioning my heart to be ALWAYS thinking about, worried about, and praying for others in their seemingly hopeless lives, hindered by stigma, lack of exposure and bad education. But a year ago, I still saw myself as Michelle Pfifer in Dangerous Minds.
Savior complex of a first year teacher
…or the guy in “Stand and Deliver,” or some roughed-up teacher whose students die in gang wars and get busted for drugs. I was supposed to be the teacher that rescued them from the self-fulfilling prophecies. I would be the teacher that pushed them to defy all assumptions, to get college degrees, and fulfill their life’s potential, despite the current that runs hard against them.
Pride. I can do none of that! God could, if He wanted to. God has used me, I’m sure, in the lives of some kids. But after a year and a half of pushing for these ideals, why do I still feel like my life is dragging me behind it?
A couple things. Sleep and pride. Sleep: I am still paying the SLEEP DEBT I incurred last year… never sleeping, prioritizing the “cause” above my own well-being! But more importantly, God has humbled me very much. When God brings you to your knees, you feel like you’re dragging a little. I had been dealing with inadequacy issues earlier this year. But in my weakness, He was strong. I’m much more able to love and be patient with my students because I see my own weakness so clearly. Patience is such a hard-earned skill, but if God will humble me enough to be patient with 6th grade punks, I feel like He can much more through me.
The 6th-Grade punks that I adore.
As for now, He is allowing me to teach, love and enjoy these punks. They are such a blessing.
Fil. We met in Houston. Well, he says we met in Edinburg, but I only vaguely remember our Edinburg interactions. His first impression of me as a stand-offish, pretentious city girl did not deter him from crushing on me. My impression of him as a superficial frat boy had the same effect. During a month-long educator training in June of 2008 we became friends. It all started in a coffee shop called Inversion on Montrose Street in Houston. From there, our false impressions of each other were slowly picked apart, analyzed and forgiven.
After training, we moved to the Valley of Texas. I began teaching 6th grade English in Edcouch, and he taught 8th grade Science in Donna. Almost every school night became a “work” party at Moonbeans, Starbucks or Cuppies in which I stressed out, worked, and became irritated as Fil distracted me from getting my lessons planned. (Though secretly, I loved being distracted.) We became close friends on the basis of our mutual interests, intrigue and experiences. But God had a bigger plan. And God’s plan is always so much better.
In October of 2008, Fil and I were just friends, but were unintentionally falling into a half-committed dating “thing.” When we realized our own lazy attitudes toward our relationship, we took a 28-day slap-in-the-face break from each other. After a month of God’s divine intervention in both of our lives individually, we felt lead to be together. During the month apart, Fil had realized his depravity and sincerely submitted his life to Christ. I had a been given a glimpse of God’s plan for my life during that month, and I knew that Fil had a part in it. We started dating on 11-11.
A full year of growth in Christ, love and understanding of God’s will for our lives brought us to another decisive moment. In October, 2009, we decided to take another break so that God could speak clearly about our future, with or without each other. In November, we sat down together and shared what God had shown each of us. After a couple hours of conversation, Fil and I decided that God was leading us to pursue a committed relationship. This “committed relationship” for us means… we get to pursue Christ-likeness under God’s sovereign hand of grace and love TOGETHER. Cool, right?? Plus, I love him! So that makes it even better!
Fil and Sarah Anne in Indiana (Fil's homestate)
Future. God’s plan is ambiguous. This is where trusting Him is crucial. What I do know is that He has not called me to a life that is about myself. Nor has he willed that I pursue the comfortable and cushy Christianity that is so prevalent in America. The only comfort that I will pursue is the comfort available through Christ, NOT through circumstances. St. Augustine said, “Uneasy is the heart until it rests in Thee.” My prayer is that in every aspect of life, my heart would remain “uneasy” until each and every part has taken up residence in Christ.
Thanks for the update, Sarah! We miss you!